(Verity is a friend of a member of my family and I am doing this for them, okay. I think she was office manager for the dentist or something. She’s quite old. Sorry.)
WHY I THINK WE’RE GOING TO THE DOGS – CAMPAIGN AGAINST RIOTERS
By Verity Putapin
It’s not like her, that’s the thing, going missing, you know, although I can’t say her behaviour’s ever been exactly ideal. She’s normally on time, or early, especially for meals. But when I hadn’t seen her for a few days, I got worried.
It was the middle of the London riots and St Alban’s is quite near.
I tried calling her but I got no response.
So I ‘googled’ her and that’s when I found out what she’d been doing. On You Tube.
I went straight to the police. I am a respectable tax-payer.
There was a woman behind the counter.
I said, ‘ I’d like to report a missing female.’
She said, ‘How old is she?’
I said, ‘About 12.’
‘Oh that’s serious,’ she said.
I noticed she had an accent.
I said, ‘Where are you from anyway?’
She said, ‘What are you talking about where I’m from? This is a serious situation.’
No sense of grammar these people.
I said, ‘Don’t worry, I know what she’s been up to.’
She said, ‘What do you mean? Is she missing or not?’
I said, ‘She’s missing alright, I haven’t seen her for three days. But it’s what she’s been doing that worries me, you see.’
She said, ‘I can’t see.’
I said, ‘Are you blind?’
She said, ‘No, I just can’t see what you mean and I am worried about this 12-year-old, surely we must get on with the paperwork?’
I said, ‘Look, I’ve seen her. She was in the riots, looting.’
The woman looked at me. She didn’t know what to do.
She said, ‘In the riots? Have you got any evidence of this?’
I said, ‘But where are you actually from?’
She was quiet for a moment and then she said, ‘Are your family known to social services?’
I said, ‘Don’t be so rude. How dare you?’
She said, ‘All sorts of people are getting help from social services these days. It is not stigmatised.’
I said, ‘I’m not some asylum seeker.’
She took a deep breath.
I said, ‘Do you have a respiratory condition?’
She said, ‘Look, this is not about me, okay? Can we stick with the lost 12-year-old?’
I said, ‘She’s been on You Tube. I saw her. I’d recognise that coat anywhere. Silver. I knew it was a mistake but all the other colours had gone.’
She said, ‘On You Tube?’
I said, ‘Yes, you know, the video sharing website, ‘broadcast yourself’?’
She said, ‘I do know what You Tube is. We have You Tube in Copenhagen.’
I said, ‘Aha! Swedish. I thought so.’ I’ve always been rather good with accents that way.
She said, ‘Are you sure she was on You Tube?’
I said, ‘Yes, that’s what I’m trying to tell you.’ I put special emphasis on ‘trying’ because she was beginning to get on my nerves.
She said, ‘So what was she doing on You Tube, exactly.’
I said, ‘She was in a sports shop. It was being looted. Disgraceful behaviour.’
She said, ‘And what was she doing in the sports shop?’
I said, ‘Eyeing up the trainers, you know those expensive ones. I can’t afford them myself and she thinks she should have them for free? Cheek.’
She said, ‘So are you reporting her missing or for looting? I’m confused.’
I said, ‘That’s why they should really have an English person in this role.’
She said, ‘Missing or looting?’
I said, ‘Are you having an allergic reaction. Your face is red.’
She said, ‘Yes I think I might be having an allergic reaction. But I’m okay to carry on. Is the report because she is missing or because she’s been looting?’
I said, ‘Well both, really. I’m a respectable person. I can’t condone illegal behaviour.’
She said, ‘I think it’s time I had a look at the footage.’
She took me into a back room. I was surprised it was a bit of a mess. You think of the police being tidy, liking to clear things up. But there was a bin overflowing with McDonald’s cartons and a definite smell of chips.
No picture of Her Majesty, I noticed.
We sat down and she typed in the U.R.L of You Tube and let me find the video.
It’s not a long video and it clearly shows the little minx, bold as brass. I pointed to her.
I said, ‘She needs locking up, if you ask me. For about two years. People like me need a voice in this world. I promise you, society would look very different if I was in charge. But I can’t even get on the council. I can’t get the votes. What price democracy? So I’ve had to start this campaign. To highlight the injustice.’
The woman looked at me. She said, ‘I’ve never encountered this situation before. I really don’t know what to say.’
I said, ‘It’s all perfectly straightforward. I think you should throw the book at her. If people like me don’t stand up for what we believe then who knows where this country will end up! Like some kind of mafia state.’
I stood up straight and saluted. I don’t know why, it just seemed appropriate, even though I’ve not been in the military, apart from the Brownies as a girl.
Then I said, in a clear and proud voice, ‘I, Verity Putapin, am instructing you to arrest my pussy for rioting.’
Please join me in my campaign today at shameful.co.uk